Getting My SAMANTHA On.

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You thought I would let this SAMANTHA craze slide just like that without me ranting? Shiiiiit! Let me get my game (read fisi) face on – and probably some Vaseline.

First of all, this may come as a big surprise to you guys, in fact it will be a big shock to most of you but… I like women. As a matter of fact, I looove women! Since we’ve got that all out in the open, let’s get back to business (or is it pleasure? hehe)

Samantha, Samantha, Samantha… where do I even start? Did I mention I like women? Well, that was before I found out about this amazing woman (sorry, doll) from Barcelona.

The first time I heard about Samantha I was like, “Great, another boring sex doll has hit the market,… AGAIN!” But when I found out it could talk dirty to me? Now that is when everything changed. Finally I see the light! I mean, all you have to do is touch her (I mean, its) hands and she (it) is down to get dirty? I’m sold! Do you know how many blue ticks I have on my WhatsApp?! Like seriously do you! I have been touching hands. I have spent all my campus pocket money. I have sung Drake songs. I have drunk-texted.  Nothing! Yet with SAMANTHA all I have to do is touch her hands?!

Phew! Sorry if I went a little crazy there. I didn’t mean to hyperventilate (unless it’s with Samantha then we can hyperventilate the whole day, know what am sayin’!). Wait! Where was I?

Now, Samantha has been met with a lot of criticism by the female fraternity but the ‘Team Mafisi’s are having a field day; talk of sexual frustration, huh?  It is really a jungle out there. There is so much dry spell that the government needs to bring in subsidized Samanthas from Mexico (read Barcelona)  just like they did with Unga.

However, my question to the women is, don’t you think it’s your fault that Sergi Santos felt the need to create Samantha in the first place? There wouldn’t be a need for synthetic women if the real women acted like, you know,… women, now would there?

In a quest for gender equality, feminists have turned all our beloved wives, fiancés, girlfriends and side chics into men since, according to them, we all need to be equal right? So now our girls drink like us, throw stones at Baba’s rally like us, thump their chests like us, cheat like us and even ignore texts like us (Seriously, what’s with the blueticks? *sobs*).

Guess what? Congratulations women, we are all equal now. We are all officially men. I suggest you get yourselves SAMANTHAs too because we all need women in our lives.

Anyway, is there any micro-finance that can get me a nice loan? I have a Ruracio trip to Brazil that I need to organize.

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 A peek into the future. That is Sergi btw…

Double O.p

Migos, Cardi B and DJ Khaled Trending In Kenya

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Kenyan music is great. Okay, I was being sarcastic, that is a big lie. Kenyan music sucks!…kinda. Before you call me a hater and say I don’t support local talent, I have enough social proof to prove it. (Proof to prove it? Hehe…I should be a rapper!)

First of all, you think so too. Yes, YOU. Even though you can’t openly admit it, you would rather have Rihanna or Nicki caressing your eardrums than hear another “Dus Nyau” from that Rongai guy (That’s where he is from right?). Relax! stop hiding your phone, i won’t tell anyone.

However, if you are one of those “Resistors” who stand by your country and its music and start odi-dancing on the road every time the politically-charged Nasa anthem blasts from any speakers close to you then you should go to YouTube and see what I’m talkin’ about.

Go to the trending section and count for me the number of Kenyan songs. One set of fingers is more than enough. If you don’t believe me,  Cardi B is currently sitting at number two as I write this. She would have been number one hadn’t our manna from heaven, Sauti Sol, dropped that fantastic video with my baby mama that I talked about here. Go and confirm, I’ll wait….

I can’t argue that the likes of DJ Khaled, Migos, Hov and Kungfu Kenny have been taking some major Ws of late but we have our own doing their thing too. Khaligraph is poppin’ as always, Timmy TDat is hot, Sauti Sol never slow down, and Willy Paul is always there jigi-jiging around! But being the Kenyans that we are, all I hear about is how Motor Sport is lit, DAMN. Is like the best album ever, Jay-Z still got it and DJ Khaled has the most famous and most financially secured baby ever.

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There it it! Just look at them all happy and rich.

All the above facts are true, no one can deny that but aren’t we supposed to appreciate our own too? Is our music really that bad? Do you want to gouge your eyes out every time you see Willy Posse doing those “disco-matanga” moves in every video? I know I do. But we got some pretty good music too. Just go and listen to Sauti Sol and…and….you know, those other artists.

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Let us all as the “Slay nation” try and support our own. I know it’s hard for obvious reasons but it doesn’t hurt to try (it actually does). Go and listen to…to…those nice Kenyan songs and let me know what you think.

Before I go; in Motor Sport are you TeamNicki or Team Cardi? I’m team Cardi fo sho!

Double O.p

Sauti Sol Ft. Tiwa Savage – Girl Next Door

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So, I’m gonna start off with that new Sauti Sol masterpiece because,…well, everybody loves music (some more than others which in this case, me more than you). It is not remotely fair to judge their music based on local standards because quite frankly, they transcended that ka-little cocoon eons ago.

As if it’s not enough that they create pure eargasms by themselves, they went ahead and added more sauce from the queen of Africa herself, my Bae, my future cougar, Tiwa (I call dibs).

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Hands off man! She is mine!

I think by now we are accustomed to the fact that Sauti Sol can hop on to any type of beat thrown to them and turn it into something amazing. Speaking of, can someone please throw them a trap beat or some Mexican Quinceanera type shit?

I mean, these guys completely annihilated that…… (Reggae-ish) beat. Whatever Maleek Berry did to that beat, I need that kind of juju in my life! I am pretty sure wherever Shaggy is, he is pretty jealous right now. I would be if I was him but then again, is she we? Is we she? (Click here for reference).

Don’t even get me started on the songwriting. Don’t get me wrong, I mean, the Kenyan One Direction can definitely hold its own when it comes to their pen game but I’m pretty sure that extra oomph! Came from Fena so, thanks Fena!

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There they are!

Now, the icing on the cake came from my most favorite videographer in Africa, Unlimited L.A. He is my most favorite for one simple reason; he has such a cool ass name! I mean, Unlimited L.A? Are you kidding me? Who even came up with that? Hit me up with some rapper names L.A. You know, something like, Limited Edition or Unqualified T.A. Btw, quick question, do you have anything to do with Airtel UnlimiNET?

With that being said, this incredible collaboration between local The Wanted, the Savage queen, some Fenamenal songwriter and the coolest video guy is definitely the best way to start the year. I literally haven’t recovered from the hypnotism of Melanin and am hit with this? Not cool bruh! Not cool! On second thought, Too Cool! Keep ‘em comin!

 

S.Op